Regret - Good or Bad?

For the most part our world tends to view regret as a very negative thing. "No regrets" is frequently heard on any reality television show, or before or after an important sporting event like Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. These are probably areas where you can do something about not having regret, having "What ifs" is no fun and can drive you crazy. Do everything you can in those situations and you can avoid that. Making good decisions can also reduce regret, thinking about who you date, who you associate with, whether you compromise your values.

Last night I had a fleeting moment of regret that I think was completely unnecessary & shouldn't be a source of regret. I regretted how I was as a teenager. And it was not because I wished I hadn't drank or done drugs or been a bully, because none of those things applied. It was because I was a jock. Not the jock who walks around like they own the school, but a tomboy, I was involved in multiple sports and had no interest in anything "girly". Last night I had a brief moment where I wished I had cared more about my appearance, bothered to learn something about how to do my hair, fashion, makeup. But would that really matter? Probably not. There's no need to regret it now. I was happy then, not caring about those things didn't make me unhappy. The only real regret I think I have from that time was not having much time to shop for a prom dress, but that's just a good reminder to take & enjoy the time to buy those big ticket items that have some meaning in the future.

Not only is there no reason to regret who I was, it's probably important to recognize that those things played a role in who I am today. I guess that just begs the question of whether there's anything in my life now that could legitimately be regretted later. But I should never regret who I am, because God made me that way.

The Honest Inner Child

I came to the realization recently that some of the things I’m most interested in pursuing now are those things that were my first career goals. Interestingly the things that I decided I wanted to be when I grew up as I moved into junior high were quite different than those that I wanted to be when I was little. Most people would probably think this is pretty normal. Many people grow out of wanting to be a professional athlete, astronaut, firefighter, rockstar, actor, when they realize what it would take and/or what kind of life in which it would result.

Adolescence is generally considered to be a time of finding yourself, figuring out who you are and want to be. In reality this is a time when peer pressure is usually at its greatest. When most people think of peer pressure they think of drugs, drinking, smoking, sex. This is not the kind of peer pressure that was in my teenage life. It was just a time where I wanted to spend all my time with my friends, be liked by my friends and pretty much everyone else. Perhaps as a result of this I didn't always know what I really liked or wanted.

Maybe losing yourself a little is important to be able to find your true self as you grow up. A lot of people are told to find their inner child, that’s probably a good idea, because children are so honest, and even if they do have a naïve world view, what’s wrong with having big dreams? If you’ve come to realize that maybe you don’t want your life to be an open book as it would be as an actor or rockstar, or spend your life in a gym as you would as an athlete, then you can put those childhood dreams in perspective, and maybe find your true self.

Climbing the Ladder

I recently finished reading a book by Julian Fellowes called Past Imperfect. Fellowes writes about the British upper crust and in this book, the changes they’ve experienced since the Second World War. The book is full of people desperate to maintain their status of old, or wriggle their way into the good graces of the titled elite. While, to my knowledge, Canada does not contain these same classes – as Fellowes points out the British don’t really either, & if they are present, since we are still technically a part of the monarchy, the same manners, etiquettes, social standings and recognition does not come with any class distinction. While the stakes would seemingly be lower because of this, it must be part of human nature to keep up appearances, and want to be at the top – name drop, make more money (though many disguise this and say if the money wasn’t there they would still be in the same relationship or what have you), have better holidays, better houses, better possessions. Case in point: one of my colleagues is dating a guy who is in medical school. Maybe to be fair I should say they started dating before he started med school, and maybe even before he really decided he wanted to be a doctor, I’m not really sure. Either way the fact that he is going to be a doctor seems to grip her. She is constantly talking about visiting him over at the hospital, where his internship is going to be over summer break, the exams he has coming up, and how he did on those exams. There is frequent mention of how the money he’ll make makes up for the hard work and not seeing him much, but the impressed reaction from people when they hear he’s in medical school I feel is more important to her than anything else, and she wants people to remember that no matter what, hence the incessant chatter. Every girl wants to marry a doctor, it’s almost a modern version of wanting to marry a Prince (which of course is still my dream). This chatterbox colleague of mine is also constantly talking of her plans. She constantly attends workshops and seminars, determined to get ahead, but still ties future plans to what will happen with the boyfriend who would be doctor.
I’m not really sure what exactly she’s reaching for, what we’re all reaching for. I usually think the #1 reason I want to get my PhD is just so I can call myself a doctor. I’ve always wanted to go to Harvard, because it’s Harvard – there’s a recognition factor. As the Fellowes novel illustrates, the people that are at the top, the ones with lots of money, big houses, nice things, are often not happy. It takes a lot to get and/or keep those positions, and it’s not usually the things that one wants to sacrifice, such as their true passions and true love.
Really who is judging our rank on the social ladder, especially in this Western Canadian culture? Maybe in the New England area of the States there is a definite class structure, without the noble titles, but not here. There’s the occasional “big” name family, but they don’t appear in the media the same way the titled do in the UK, or the Park Avenue duplex dwellers do in Manhattan. There is no recognition factor. Why do we need/want to impress those around us? There is always talk of being happy with yourself, truly loving yourself. There are scores of TV programs on TV wanting you to be happy with yourself, almost ironically, even if it requires a little bit of change: ‘How to Look Good Naked’, ‘What Not to Wear’, ‘Re-Vamped’. A look at the self-help section of any bookstore underlines this – we all want to be good ‘selves’. I think this is true of everyone, but most people miss the part about actually knowing yourself so that you can like and love yourself to have confidence in yourself, and jump straight to having confidence in themselves, and do everything to convince those around them that you should have confidence in them and even look up to them because they’re so much better than you, and they try to let you know they are ‘better’.
It’s not a crime to try to better yourself, and status may be better than status quo, but in reality we probably shouldn’t strive or settle for either.

The Beginning

I decided to start this blog so that I could do some writing, and have a place to write down some of my thoughts. I hope no one will be offended by what I have to say, these are just things that I've felt I wanted to get off my chest, or thoughts I wanted to put out into the world: whether deep, spiritual & contemplative, random musings, or rants. Hopefully it will be a little entertaining, provoke some thought and discussion, and maybe touch a person or two.